It’s lonely at the top!

My name is Matt, Managing Director of The Grange Spa. A year ago, I was out walking the dog when I seriously thought about disappearing. Not from the spa, or my degree, or the mounting pressure—from life. I looked like I had it all together. Inside? I was exhausted, ashamed, and completely broken.

If you’ve ever worn a smile while your mind’s been screaming for a break—you’re not alone.

This is the story I never thought I’d write. But maybe it’s the one someone out there needs to read.

The Perfect Storm

Rewind twelve months. I was heading into my third year of a bachelor’s degree in leadership and management, running a full-time business in an industry still reeling from COVID. The spa had just been smashed by an electricity price crisis—our bills skyrocketed to a point where closing down wasn’t just a fear, it was a genuine possibility.

Add in feeling distant from my wife (people that know us understand how close we are this was strange), struggling to connect with the kids, and gym time (my usual pressure valve) dropping to zero. I didn’t even know how my peers saw me anymore—I assumed the worst.

On the outside, I was Mr Positive. On the inside, I was silently sinking.

And then, I cracked.

The Breakdown I Didn’t See Coming

I didn’t plan a breakdown. Nobody does.

But one day, on that walk, everything I’d been holding in just collapsed. The idea of not being here started to feel like relief. I pulled myself together, temporarily, but that evening, it started again, this time it was different, more intense, I was pacing up and down in the bedroom talking absolute gibberish, dark thoughts filled my head. That was the red flag. I knew I needed help.

I found a therapist. I spoke. I cried. I unpacked years of grief I hadn’t processed—from losing loved ones, from COVID’s chaos, from burying my own needs for too long.

Then came the scariest part—I told my team. Not all the details, but enough. I let them know I was struggling and needed to take some time. Their reaction? Mixed. Some got it. Some didn’t. Pressure didn’t disappear overnight. But something inside me shifted: I’d finally stopped pretending.

Climbing Out, One Step at a Time

Recovery isn’t a Hollywood montage. It’s messy, slow, and non-linear.

But with therapy, self-reflection, a few brutally honest conversations, and a growing stack of books, I found my footing again. I rebuilt my confidence. I reconnected with my wife and kids. I set clear boundaries with work and protected gym time like it was sacred—because for me, it is.

I even started channelling my inner David Goggins — “YOU DON’T KNOW ME, SON!” became a bit of a battle cry when the weights got heavy or the day got hard. It sounds ridiculous, but leaning into a bit of grit (and a lot of humour) helped more than I expected.

I’m not ‘perfect’ now. Life still throws curveballs. But I’m present. I’m healthier. I’m here. A massive thank you to Nicole from Hummingbird Hypnotherapy you will never know how much you helped me. 

And that’s everything. 

Lessons From the Edge

Here’s what I now know, deep in my bones:

• Burnout doesn’t mean you’re weak. It means you’ve been strong for too long without a break.
• Mental health isn’t optional. It’s foundational.
• Boundaries are brave. They protect your energy, relationships, and purpose.
• Talking saves lives. My life included.

And if you’re a business leader, parent, or anyone who puts others first—it’s not noble to break in silence. It’s dangerous.

If You’re Struggling…

Please, talk to someone. Call a friend. Speak to your GP. Book a therapist. Or just take that first dog walk and let yourself feel it. 

If you are in the Bourne area call Nicole from hummingbird hypnotherapy as I said, she helped me more than she will ever know! Before now only a handful of people were aware, in full, of the above, I’m not sure I even told Nicole everything!

You can talk to me, I will listen. 

Your life matters more than your to-do list. And you don’t have to go through it alone. Your life matters.

Here are a few resources that helped me:

• CALM (Campaign Against Living Miserably) – thecalmzone.net – focused on preventing male suicide.
• Friends – simply having a few mates who checked in or just listened made a massive difference.
• Round Table – joining after the death of a friend gave me connection, purpose, and a way to give back.
• Mind UK – ongoing mental health support and resources
• Books made a huge difference, I love to read, my real turning point came with David Goggins’ raw, relentless mindset and the Ant Middleton collection —tough love with a warrior edge, just what I needed. Greg McKeown’s Essentialism and Effortless also kicked off my recovery mindset. The pursuit of less really, really resonated when everything in my life had felt like just too much.

I share this now not for sympathy—but because leadership isn’t about being bulletproof. It’s about being real. And maybe, just maybe, by sharing this story, my story, someone else out there might feel seen.

If that’s you—please know this: you’re not alone.

Now… “Who’s gonna carry the boats?”

Matt

P.S. Not forgetting Emma, my partner in crime the other half of The Grange Spa and the reason I get up in the morning.